Updated: Feb 3
You're minding your business, deep in your private realm when suddenly, like a bolt of lightening you are electro-lifted in to thinking about someone as if in a living dream state. Shit just got so real feeling you don't know of anything that will sooth these thoughts, or make them go away. You are stuck with dealing with them. You even get online and find a shocking connection that truly links this person with some thing happening in your life. But there is nothing easy about this queasy sort of vision. You wonder, "is this real?" Is someone at the other end of this invisible line? Or have you just put everything else on hold for nothing? Is this a grandiose negotiation with no guarantee you will get what you agree to?
There isn't a song you hear that doesn't make the welling up, deep in your gut, subside. Then come the regrets, and you remind yourself "Thought crimes are Not crimes." It helps, for about a minute. You lower your arms from being raised above your head, this is not about winning or losing. Physical activity has a similarly weakening effect. Work doesn't seem as important, but you struggle through it, every detail impacted by this internal struggle and you wonder if the conversation is truly being shared or maybe of insular origin.
You begin to swat at your thoughts, downplaying them and escaping. Is this some kind of unfinished business Jung and Freud put on display? Nonsense, I'm from L.A., it could be Ford, or Microsoft or Vegas calling out. There's a lot of broken people in this world, good people who just want to share what could be. And now the backbone of what kept so many safe has been hyper-extended to the point that shears of bone are splintering off into the ether, and you are left trying to calculate the costs of it all.